Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Baring your soul is not for the faint of heart!

Welcome everyone. Just when I think it's going to be nice weather, it hails. I think we'll be okay in the Rose House. Help yourself to some goodies and a beverage and find a seat. I'm going to bore, er I mean interest you with my story. Yes, I did say something about Baring my soul. That's exactly what I'm going to do, hopefully it really will interest you and not bore you to tears.

Have you heard all those heart breaking stories about Orca Whales being separated from their calves and the trauma it causes? Now, hold that thought while I take you on a little journey.

I can't remember a time that I didn't know I was adopted, as did the entire town where I grew up. Granted this wasn't a huge town, back in the dark ages when I lived there. But it was always a treat trying to find friends. There were those who wouldn't play with me because "You're adopted. Your own parents didn't want you, why would I want to play with you!" Then there were those who liked me. Of course, I would always be willing to invite them over and if they wanted to do something and their parents said no, I would beg my mom to take us. I was always the one who threw parties, mostly because no one invited me--people would come and everyone enjoyed themselves and I would run myself ragged waiting on everyone so they had a good time.

I had other issues growing up, and I still have them. I always trying to please. Anywhere I work or any event I work on, I go the extra mile. If it's a big project I do try to delegate, but when people do not step up to the plate in what I think is a timely manner, I step in and do the job myself. Of course, everyone is always willing to let me.

I try, but I am always mediocre because I'm not confident enough to excel in anything or I'm afraid to let myself. I'm always second guessing myself, or telling myself, I can't do that so I don't try. Don't get me wrong, I do a wonderful job because I take great pride in my work. However, I always just run in place because, while my employers or the event planners appreciate all my hard work, they know I'm there, ready, and eager to help--why should they take advantage of my help?

Now let's talk relationships. I've never had a best friend. I've had some close friends, and friends I consider my best friend. But I'm not their best friend. I'm not the person they call when they have problems. Or when they want to do something fun with just a girl friend. Which is my fault, I don't let anyone really get close. It took me having three children before I let someone get close, and that was my children and then along came my second husband, and I let him in. So basically, my family are my best friends. And I have to be very careful that I don't smother them because I'm worried about losing them.

Yet whenever I email, text, or call someone, if they do not call me back; it's not because they're busy. It's not because they have family issues themselves. It's because I've done something to offend them. Or I've talked too much and they're tired of me. Or I complain too much. And the list goes on.

Then when I'm totally convinced I will never see that person again, because I must have done something, they call and they had a perfectly logically reason for not emailing, texting, or calling. And of course, they're totally clueless about the drama I've just gone through.

This is my life, I apologize for things when I've done nothing wrong. I ask permission to go to the store. I can't even make a decision about what to eat at a restaurant. On a good day I have the list of what I want down to four items when the waiter/waitress comes to take our order.

I always thought this was just my bad luck to have these dumb issues.

Then I found my birth mother and I started to read articles** about adoption and the feelings that crawled out and grabbed me this passed year. But as I read article after article, I found that I identified with almost all of them, maybe some in different ways, but I had found reasons why I always pushed people away. Why I never had the confidence to excel to the place I wanted to be.

It's called Emotional Trauma caused by the separation from my mother at birth. For nine months I learned her scent, her voice, I was soothed by the rhythm of her heart beat. I was familiar with her scent. Then in a blink of an eye she was gone.

If you think about the trauma and feel sad when you see an Orca calf separated from his/her mother, how do you feel about a baby being separated? Granted, I understand there is a need for adoption, I'm not talking about the fact that some mothers have no choice and love their child and adoption is the only way. I'm just saying the issues need to be addressed and also that I finally realize why and where my issues stem from.

Maybe now I can start to work on resolving my issues.

**a few of the articles: http://www.healingresources.info/article_axness2.htm
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/i-adopted-my-child-birth-what-do-you-mean-trauma-alex-stavros

I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

stanalei said...

A very revealing post, Mary. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your friendship and I'm pulling for you to win the day! You have more to offer than you let yourself believe, dear friend.